


i don't wanna hear it

by oonaseckar



Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies), X-Men (Comicverse), X-Men (Movieverse), X-Men (Original Timeline Movies), X-Men - All Media Types, X-Men: First Class (Comics)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Punk, Anorexia, Caffeine Addiction, Clean Eating, Coffee, Danny Sugerman, Drug Use, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Erik Lehnsherr has an eating disorder, Food Issues, Hardcore punk, M/M, Punk, Punk Rock, Running, Sobriety, Straightedge, The Doors - Freeform, no-one here gets out alive, orthorexia, wonderland avenue
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:53:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22786723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oonaseckar/pseuds/oonaseckar
Summary: Late 80s, early 90s, hardcore scene kids, a little Riot Grrl.
Relationships: Erik Lehnsherr/Charles Xavier
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	1. touch your hand to the wall at night

**Author's Note:**

> Work title is Minor Threat.  
> Chapter title is Fugazi.

Charles is Erik's ex. He's the main reason Erik is straight.

Oh, not straight like _that_ \-- no. Straight, not drinking, not nothing, not any more. Experiencing life hardcore, clear and conscious.

And now it's the end of high school, the beginning of college. Or, in Erik's case, consciously choosing _not_ to go to college and be an _unconscious consumer of educational product._ Fuck that shit, coat it with chilli and stick it up ya. Not that Erik's choosing ignorance instead, he just prefers added-value autodidact deschooling. Yeah, he reads Ivan Illich, what of it, you got a problem?

 _Charles_ , on the other hand. Charles has been steadily drinking more and more heavily, since he was fifteen or so.

And it's over - it has to be over. But he just keeps on drawing Erik back in.

At rehearsal.

At performance.

With a hook-up.

He never makes a promise. Not that Erik does either.

They're disrespecting each other.

Then they manage to finish it, when Erik introduces a new song. It's called _just like your mother._

Charles walks away out of the pit, middle finger aloft.


	2. don't be afraid of what's gonna happen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edie thinks Erik needs a nice girlfriend, away from Charles' bad influence.
> 
> lols she has _no idea._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Lydia Lunch, 'Mechanical Flattery'.

The message and the speed and the bass is all there is. Any melody introduced can be regarded as purely accidental.

Erik's throat is sore, but he keeps screaming. Rest is for the weak.

The show ends, like everything else.

...

And he's gotta do something to keep his mind off Charles, so he gets more active on the scene, checks out other people's projects.

Raven and Angel are starting a band, and he goes to see what's happening.

Well. They _have_ songs. (Raven's headed for Juillard. She keeps _that_ quiet, though.) They flash their tits and mock Erik's political correctness.

'Girls – women – can you please stop exposing your mammary glands?' That isn't Erik, though, he has more sense. It's the community center manager, who's worried about getting shut down. _These fuckin' kids..._

Angel flashes her arse, skirt lifted aloft, and pings her suspender in his general direction.

***

He goes to Azazel's record store. Which is not a place to meet anyone cool who you might wanna fuck, except he does. And Magda is eight years older, and a poet with a bunch of chapbooks, and she does readings places he'd have to admit he _reads_ before he admits he _knows_ them.

She isn't Charles. That's a _good_ thing. (that'sagoodthingthat'sagoodthingthat'sagoodthing. It's a mantra.)

Erik has tried with people he can approve, people who are better for him. He just can't make himself _want_ them.


	3. funhouse mirror version

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erik is straight. Not 'straight'. But straight enough that he can't live with a throwaway waster like Charles. Not anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from 'Breaking the Guardrail' by Bayside.

He tries harder, with Magda, though. Because she's amazing, and healthy, and productive. Not totally hardcore sober, like him, but not a hurting perpetually wasted lush.

Like Charles.

She has a glass of wine on Fridays, with friends, unwinding from her straight-world hospital administrator gig. She has work from local artists on her walls, 'cause she supports her own scene.


	4. real punks don't go to college

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erik's ready for the real world. The real world won't know what hit it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Ian Mackaye. Okay, it's 'lightly re-worded' Ian MacKaye.

She lets him stay overnight at her apartment at weekends, which is awesome because a) he can't afford anywhere of his own yet, despite working every hour God sends flipping burgers, and selling sofas on commission at a local furniture retail outlet, Mr Bouncy's. (It's not really called Mr Bouncy's, except by his friends.) And b) it means he can put off introducing her to Edie. Who would immediately be trying to marry them off, and recommending Erik as a high-quality baby-making machine to Magda. As if he wasn't worried already about scaring her off!


	5. nailed the door shut for peace of mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erik's gonna make this thing with Magda work. No matter what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Scream by Imarobot.

He doesn't try harder because she's _female_. He honest to God legit doesn't.

It's just a bonus. Because, honestly, Charles is the only real boyfriend he's ever had. Besides that, an occasional handy from a random guy on tiny in-state tours, when he and Charles were on the outs. (And when were they not?) But that's all, besides the two actual girlfriends, prior to Charles.

And - he finds it hard to find a non-offensive way to ask gay male friends - but christdoesanyguyyoufuckbehavelikethat?

Because they were friends, first. Hanging around the streets, messing with skateboards, smoking and joking and pretending to be bangers, hiding from their civilized suburban backgrounds.

And he can't remember Charles being a fucking nutcase, not back then. So maybe it's something about Erik. Erik, and guys.


	6. let's start a rock'n'roll band and make a million dollars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erik is not - technically - anorexic. 
> 
> Orthorexia: it's a thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is a quote by Danny Sugerman.
> 
> 'it's always too late to be anyone but yourself' - I've got a feeling it's Wilde, but I can't find it.

Anyhow, Erik starts his own record label, Brotherhood Recs. What else is he gonna do? There are little baby local bands he likes, vinyl singles he wants to hear, and if he doesn't do it it's _not gonna happen._ Basic local scene principles, _101_. He's still working two jobs besides, so he's running on a perpetual caffeine overdose. Until he gives up coffee. Too.

It's what he can do, what he has to offer. Charles was the songwriter of the two of them, the one with the overflowing font of a natural gift. It's too late to be Black Flag or the Specials. But then, it’s always too late to be anyone but yourself.

When he's working -- he's working all the goddamn time -- he thinks about things Charles used to say to him, now and then. (All the time.) Like 'We’re determined by our _circumstances_ , Erik. Can you tell me, if Shaw was here now you wouldn’t pummel him till there was blood on your hands and face? You can’t evade your fate.' 

(Who's Shaw? Oh, we'll get to that.)

Edie's gone, now -- an aneurysm, eighteen months after highschool graduation -- but he holds on to the things she gave him. He's a _man_ , now, and she nurtured and guided him into manhood, to stand and fight and make a life, contribute to his community, whether Jewish or musical or unionized or _you-name-it._ He can't imagine what it would have done to him, if he'd lost Edie at a younger age. She's gone, but she's already administered more life lessons, and extracted more promises, than he can number. He is more constructive, more willing to seek change and positive answers, than would have been his natural bent without her.

Charles' fatalism, his defeatism, this is part of what Erik has rejected. Charles _is_ a fatalist. His mother is awful, it's true. But at least she didn’t remarry the vile abusive boyfriend of their middle-school years, Kurt. Charles had nothing to fight against with him gone: and only was focused on Sharon not loving him. _Unlovable_ , that's what he thinks, Erik diagnoses: anyone who _does_ love him is a fool, and should be treated with a total careless disrespect. (Maybe it would have been better if Sharon _didn't_ kick Kurt out when he tried to horn in on the family trusts. It might have made Charles more willing to fight, to make life bleed if it gets too fresh and cocky.)

Erik fights everything, works like a machine or a maniac, sleeps five hours a night. Every six months he’s a little thinner than he used to be. He runs a lot. He’s not _anorexic_ : he eats –- very carefully. His control is _perfect_.

 _Charles_ is the one with the problem.


	7. never give a cunt a clue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: me.  
> OH response - 'you oughtta put that on a teeshirt!'

Erik can't help but relate his loss of weight, his control, with his family's experiences in the camps. Who wouldn't? There are pictures of people he shares a bloodline with in the public archives. There was the tattoo on his Opa's wrist. Or is it just control he wants? Superiority? So strong, Erik is, who could cage him? Charles would no doubt say so.

And Erik notices -- can't help but notice -- how often when Charles gives interviews, he talks about how he _despises_ asceticism. "If you see life as a war, then you need to be strong to fight, anything else is cowardice. To be strong you need to _eat_." (He's big enough to get interviewed, by small print publications and big-name influencers. Aw hell, good for him. Erik used to love him, after all. Used to, used to, _used to._ )

And he reads the lyrics, with every new release Charles puts out. Rhythm thrumming like the beginning of orgasm on one track, repetition and more repetition: _pour it i'll drink it pour it I'll drink it feed me feed me feed me feed me i'm gonna fuck you i'm gonna fuck you i'm gonna fuck you i'm gonna fuck you you make me want to OD you make me want to OD you make me want to OD you make me want to OD--_

It's not that Erik is _offended_. But he finds it -- unsubtle, you might say.

And then they go see the same band, because Charles is home from a mini-tour. (A cancelled tour. Erik hears that rehab is on the cards, enforced by friends and Raven.) They wind up at the bar when the caretaker's sweeping up, waiting for _lights out,_ just talking. "We can disagree without hating each other," Charles says. His eyes are soft in the hazy light, softer than Erik finds them, usually. "You're fighting: but it doesn't have to be _me_ you're fighting."

Oh, they finish in bed. Of course.

They fuck, and Charles talks inside his head. It's old-established custom, a vampire he invited in long ago. Erik doesn't trouble to object. "I can hear you. I can always hear you," says a low sing-song inside his head.' Charles is a little less ethical than he aspires to be, but at least he's honest about it. He drinks and tokes and has prescriptions his doc would find difficult to justify before a medical tribunal, and he's addicted to it. He uses his telepathy, and he's addicted to that too. 

Erik is an addict to not needing drink or drugs or people. He's addicted to not being addicted.

He's not going to lapse, not again. He'll rehab himself out of this thing with Charles, if it kills him.


	8. we'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Nickelback, 'Rockstar'. And is that _really_ Ayoade in the video?

Of course, essentially that’s an act of infidelity. Not that he and Magda have had _that_ conversation, yet. Erik isn’t really sure yet that he even believes in monogamy.

They haven’t _not_ had that conversation, though. Not in the sense of actively avoiding it. And they’re spending enough time together, lately, that it wouldn’t be unreasonable, for Magda to have made _certain assumptions._

It’s an excuse to flagellate himself, anyhow. 

And it was with _Charles_ , no less. So not only is Erik an asshole, but he’s also an idiot.

A _total_ idiot.

Erik cuts his caloric intake by twenty percent, for the next three days.


End file.
